Take a break
This is just a short blip in the middle of silence. I've been down with a bug for 10 days now. I guess it's a flu. I would have thought I would have been over it by now as I don't think I have been incapacitated for this long with a bug in my whole life, but here I am. It is hard to focus or to have a desire to write when one feels as I do but one there is one interesting thing. Had I been sick even half this bad when I was at the company, my stress level would have been through the roof. It is kind of nice not being stressed out over not being at work. I like it better when I'm healthy though. I seem to be getting better. It is just a terrible hack now caused by unceasing drainage of a thick icky green stuff and a low pressure in my head, about the ears, that is left. I hope it will be gone soon and I will return to the series. My bigger concern is for my daughter who has gone through the same thing. She seems to be about a day ahead of me in recovery so I am hoping we are both on the road to health.
Who am I?
Life since the "event" has been full of discovery and rediscovery. The behavior, or perspective of those about me is more interesting than ever. I am constantly in awe at the narrow perspective most people, including myself, have due, in large part, to life circumstance. This had always intrigued me and was a driver of my behavior when I was studying psychology in school. A common example would be the discomfort one feels when outside their known environment. For instance, someone who is accustom to doing solitary desk work being asked to give a public speech. That would normally cause discomfort to that individual as it is out of their normal existence. At times I have fallen into the perspective discomfort trap even though I am acutely aware of it and the effect it is having on me. The most interesting aspect of this perspective disruption is how an individual handles it. I think that the handling of perspective discomfort is one of few true keys to success that can be modified by oneself.
For most, the "event" (being displaced from one's life long career) would be a perspective disrupter and a great cause for discomfort. I will admit, for a very short while I experienced that as well, but quickly I became all a wonder at the opportunity and rediscovery that had been repressed, put a side, removed from the forefront of my perspective in lieu of my career perspective. I was "waking up" for the first time in a long time. I am one, who by nature,
grasps at new opportunities. I love to experience new and unique aspects of life and the world about us. Now that I am unencumbered by this career perspective, I am free to begin anew to explore the world and the opportunities that abound. It is quite a different world than before I entered the world of my career oriented perspective. Addtionally, there are many latent interests that I had not fulfilled from my younger life as well. Rather than discomfort, in my experience, there became almost an overwhelming sense of self convergence.
What was I going to do, how could I recraft the life of my family to take advantage of a broader spectrum of life. I realized that in my narrowed perspective, I had also, not out of the lack of means, narrowed the life perspective of my children from that of which I had as a child. This is something I am not proud of. In my zeal for career and perceived success, I had put off opportunities for my children that I had cherished as a child. Sure, they had lot's of replacement activities but while they like the idea of nature and outdoors, they have not had the opportunities of family camp outs and hiking in the mountains, fishing in a mountain stream, telling stories around a campfire, playing in a waterfall or a thousand other things that made me, as a youth, a lover of the outdoors. This is just one example of something I hope to craft into our new life.
We have made our decision to move to Montana. I am confident in that decision! We have also committed to a path of exploration for future income production. I took a two prong approach to this topic which I will discuss in a future post. But will leave it for the current time with a note: our hope is that our new income source will also create a new productive process for the responsible husbandry of our earth. This is me. The real me, it fits who I want to be.
So who am I really? I have found, through various means that I am much the same person I was 20 years ago. I am settled in my faith. I have a great love for people in general and find joy in their successes. I love the world about me but am saddened by the irresponsible consumption with out the thought for our future that occurs with such great speed today. I love the details, the nuances that make the world the wonder it is. As such, I love photography and the effort to preserve a moment for which words cannot convey the meaning. I love life and the wonders in nature that continually renew it. I love working with my hands and mind and I wonder at progress of mankind. I love to build, not only physically, but to build bonds and relationships and connections that serve to make the world a more enjoyable sphere. I am a man who, as a boy, had wonderful parents who, with their limited means, gave me more exposure and freedom to explore the wonders of life than I yet hope to be able to offer my children. I am a man, who while growing up had brothers and sisters with diverse interests and life perspectives and was able to be strengthened by all of them. I am a man, who while focused on a narrow career path had wonderful mentors and associates who offered experiences that have filled this long portion of narrow focused life and made what might have been a frustrating existence not only bearable but in many ways rewarding. Today I am a man, free of the bonds of career and corporate expectations. Just a man, successful in self worth and free to experience all the wonders of the world. For me, this sufficeth.
Moving On
Deciding that Montana was where we wanted to be as a family was the easy part. Coming to terms with what that means is another story entirely. Montana, the western part at least, is some of the most beautiful, unspoiled land in America. There is a reason it is unspoiled. It is difficult to get to by today's standards. Fights are generally not direct and are not cheap. Driving is a long way from anywhere. Then there is the winter. It is cold! Not unbearable for someone who grew up in the north but it is cold! These factors have kept the growth in the area lower. As such, business are fewer and smaller. Wages are generally lower and services more expensive.
We were lucky enough to live in Montana while working with my previous company and were able to experience the beauty, slower, more relaxed pace of life. I would not call life in Montana easy. But the simplicity brought about by the lack of a daily barrage of modern convenience being thrust from every angle makes Montana very desirable to those who have grown weary of the pace and pressure of the corporate ladder. The difficulty in trying to survive in Montana is that it is not free. There are taxes and costs of living like anywhere else. Depending on one's desired lifestyle, it can actually be more expensive to live in Montana than in many areas where conveniences are more readily available. One has to make the decision that some conveniences are not necessities and needs to be financially self sustainable at a level that will support a desired lifestyle. The are jobs in Montana, but high paying jobs are few and far between with great competition. When we moved away from Montana we knew that when/if we returned, we would have to bring our income with.
By fortunate circumstance we are not debt ridden. I feel that is fortunate for most of those I know and see that are around my age with families are in debt up to if not over their eyeballs. We were guided to clean up our life requirements and currently have no long term debt and only monthly bills of utilities and chosen conveniences (cell phones, high speed internet, and books from Eaton Press). Two years ago our monthly outflow was over $10k now we are happily existing on less than one tenth of that. True we don't run out and buy or do everything we have a whim for, but in reality we have more than we need. We are not living extremely thrifty either. We have just broken away from the rat race, and none to soon. We own our land in Montana and are building our home along with our future income stream out of pocket so when we reach Montana we will be able to live much the same as we do today without significantly more expense. Getting out of debt made this possible. We don't have enough investments to live off of till 67 and even then with my retirement and IRA I am not confident that we have enough even then to live the long life I plan on, so doing nothing, even if I wanted to is not an option.
So what can an X-ecutive do in Montana? If you were to look at my lifestyle and activities a couple of years ago, you would say there is no way he can make it. Living that life, I would agree. But, although very successful in that life mode, that was not really me. Not the person I am inside, who I used to want to be, and now am able to become. I am much more!
A New Day
I have had enough of corporate life to last me through this lifetime. I'm not going to go on a bash or rant here but as I began to go through the "Executive Outplacement Services" that were provided by my former company I quickly realized that they were not going to be of much benefit to me because as I was beginning to wake up and realize that I had given up so much for the past 16 years, I had no intention of getting myself or my family back into the same senerio again.
My desire is to spend time with my family, to be able to be a intergral part of the remainder if my kids childhood, what there is left of it. As we discussed what to do as a family, it was evident, our plan had really already manifest itself even before the life changing event.
A couple of years ago, while we were living the corporate executive life we, at one time were living in one "really nice house", in the process of building another "nicer house", and tossing around ideas about a retirement / summer home in Montana at the same time. The "nicer house" was closer to my office as our current home was a pretty long commute. The new house was looking like it was going to be a long project so in the interest of gaining a few more free hours a day we bought another home closer to my office as an interim residence while we built the "nicer home". This interim home was a little smaller and older but we figured we could live in it while we built the "nicer home", get the benefit of more free time, then use this one as a rental. Something changed in our thought process while we were making the interim home ready for our use though. As we remodeled this smaller home, we discovered that it was adequate for our needs! No, it was more than adequate, it was more comfortable than our current home. Not "nicer" in the keep up with the Jones' sense but more comfortable and usable and lower maintenance and less draining on the pocketbook. That realization, that we could be just as happy in this lesser home, may have been the true catalyst for our current life plan. We just didn't know at the time, that our perceptions and decisions were being guided in advance of our need.
Our thoughts began to change and we decided that the new "nicer home" was not necessary. Our fanciful thoughts about a retirement home in Montana came to the forefront. We decided that if we didn't build the "nicer home" we could get property in Montana and plan for real the retirement home. I wasn't sure, at just 39 then, that retirement was on the horizon, but a summer home in Montana sounded good and it would be ready when we finally got ready to retire so we shifted gears.
This was no small change in the midst of all we had going on. We were juggling three current properties and a demanding career but it actually lessened the madness. We stopped construction on the "nicer house". It was a beautiful five acre heavily wooded property which is quite unusual around Dallas, Texas. It sold quickly, so that was finished. Our prior home was another story. As it was also "very nice", it carried a very nice price tag in a market where home sales were soft, especially among higher priced homes. Our prior home took over half a year to sell during which we found and bought the retirement property in Montana and moved into our smaller home. We actually bought two different acreage properties in Montana but that is another story. Finally, in October we received a contract on our prior home. By early November were settled in our smaller, older, more comfortable home, we had rid ourselves of our two "keep up with the Jones' " properties and had our property in Montana that would someday be our retirement. This was November of last year. I had just returned from a trip to China...... Only a couple of weeks after we had removed basically all our debts from for lives by closing on the sale of our "nice home". D-day occurred. Who would have figured?!
Not wanting to get back into a corporate environment, our path seemed clear. We decided to pursue the current path of decisions that we had been guided toward. We are going home to Montana!
The Aftermath
I admit, for a short while, maybe a day or so, I was in a bit of a stupor. A great deal of self examination and self-valuation took place. Interestingly, though, I never went through a grieving, loss, or missing period. After 16 years of dedicating ones professional life to building a entity, I was surprised that not only did I not miss it, I was actually glad to be finished with it.
Life is funny. I believe in a creator who is actively involved in my life. As such I believe life events happen for a reason. I also believe that we create our own opportunity through our less than perfect attempts at progress and our effort is assisted when needed and rightly directed by a higher power. I am not going to get deeply religious here but the relation of this perspective, serves as a basis for understanding how I approach life: past, present and future.
In my self evaluation period, I went through all those questions that arise when a significant change in life occurs: How did this happen, did I do something to cause this, why me, what am I going to do, what will become of our family, what now, do I really want to go back into corporate life.... and a multitude of others.
As I said, I am 40. I am accustom to being very active and driven in my approach to work. I have also always espoused to those that worked with me to keep the perspective that we work to provide the means for life away from work not for the work itself. I often taught this principle better than I lived it, but at the present crossroads this philosophy did have a bearing on my evaluative effort. I felt I was to young to roll over and retire in the traditional sense. I also am not confident in a financial model of self sufficiency for the remainder of my life (a long one yet to be lived I hope) and the growth of our family and its needs. At the same time, though, rushing back upon me was myself. All the things I had wanted to do in life, the passions, hobbies, interests, and desires that I had for so long voided in my life activities in the name of career flooded into my mind. Did I really want to go out and begin or join another organization that would provide those "life luxuries" that we had become so fond of. Were they worth the state of life that it took to gain them? Not to me.
I have two children, a daughter who went from a baby to ten in a flash while I was out building the company. I have a son, now eight that is really beginning to need a dad not just a father figure. I'm not saying I was never there but in relation to the desires I had, the perspective of the type of father I had wanted to be for my children, I was not living up to that responsibility. I'll also admit that often my work responsibilities overshadowed those of my marriage as well. Certainly except the occasional production to make a recreational trip happen, most of my personal interests were merely background fanciful thoughts of things I would like to do again someday.
When I was young, the desire to help others, to try to make the world a better place was paramount in my thought process. I even went to college with the idea of becoming a psychologist. I graduated with at the head of my class with a psychology major and a minor in business administration. I had the intent of completing graduate school in psychology. Learning the path to what I thought I wanted was in a direction that I didn't want to go, I went to work in the corporate world telling myself that I could do good for others there as well. I do believe that I assisted many throughout my career and I attribute some part of my successes to those efforts. In reality, though, a much greater percentage of effort and valuable time went to figuring out how to move the entity forward. I think this, while it is the job that I was paid for, was the departure from and consuming effort that resulted in 16 years of business success with a severance package to show for it in the end. I am not falling into self pity but rather pointing out that while I was very handsomely bought and paid for over the years, my lives work was not the legacy I had hoped to leave, not yet anyway. It's a good thing this happened now! At least from my perspective it is.....
D-day
I had recently returned from a successful fixturing trip to Taiwan and China. While there, I learned that the world (inside our corporate organization) was quaking again. My boss, the President had decided to "Leave the organization to pursue other interests". This is a well know and time honored phrase used when an executive is replaced for almost any reason. It is a little unnerving to be on the other side of the world when things begin to quake. The rest of the trip though was uneventful. Upon returning, I learned that the Chairman had assumed the president's position and that he intended to be more active in the daily operations of the business. This was potentially a good thing excepting it came at a time when the company had been struggling to make earnings, maintain marketshare, and redefine itself to continue to be the market leader in a mature and declining industry.
I had survived though 6 previous administration shake ups over the years as we had developed the company, but each previous time I had been in the field building and operating one part of the company or another. I knew that a risk of coming into corporate was that as you get closer to the top you are more vulnerable as things of this nature occur. In hindsight it should have been more obvious what was about to occur.
It was November, the beginning of the culling season. For most people, November is the beginning of the holidays. Inside the workings of a corporation there is no holiday reprieve. The machine doesn't take a break. While the employees are preparing the holiday festivities, the corporation is trying to make sense of next years financial hurdles and deciding what must be done to make earnings. This is especially true in a "public" company. Each year of the five I was inside the corporation headquarters, there was this culling period. It began in about mid or late November and generally lasted through about March. I refer to it as culling although it had no official title. It was a period after budgeting where once the realization that the strategic plans that have been enacted for the year will not make the next years financial objective, the corporation decides it is going to become more efficient. In an organization that is in a declining industry and is the market leader, without significant diversification, having repeatedly already cut human capital for efficiencies sake, the culling can get dicey. This year the culling started early and started at the top. The President was the tip of the iceberg.
Now, something to note here, while our organization is a pure pay for performance company, it is also in a right to work state, and the contracts that executives sign are a double edge sword. They provide a parachute if a release should come without cause but they also allow a release at any time for any reason. The favorite tactic is the "elimination of position". This is a convenient way to cut cost and make changes that is totally impersonal and requires no performance test. When the culling starts it is not always the weak who are cut, it is also those who are nonessential to the new strategic direction of the company. Yes, I know, we all like to think of ourselves as essential but by the very nature of being a high performer, which I was nearly always rated, you become nonessential. A high performer is always looking at succession planning, making sure that if someone in the team were to leave they could be replaced without significant disruption to the organization. This was important for advancement as well, and really just a course of business in developing people. I always took pride in knowing that I had developed someone who could carry on after me. While in casual conversation I had even made light comments that we are all dispensable, I was oblivious that indeed this was the course of the future for myself.
I was in my office preparing for a planned meeting. A few moments before the meeting time, I received a call that said the meeting location had been changed so I headed off to the new location. It was a classic setting, as I walked in, there was the head of Human Resources and another executive. I was asked to sit down. In short order I was told that as a part of "streamlining the organization, my position was being eliminated". Over the years I had herd the phrase many times but it was always directed at others. I was generally the executive with HR rather than the receiving employee. Stunned, I sat dumbfounded. The HR president said "well, it is obvious that you weren't expecting this, are you okay?" Hell no, at that moment I was not okay, I was gasping for air, what had become my lives work for the past sixteen years? It had in an instance been ripped away, torn up, obliterated. I was not okay! I herd him drone on about we are offering you your contracted severance package...yada....yada....yada. I guess there is really no good way to do this type of thing but after sixteen years you would like to think of a parting with some recognition for service and the fact that you had built this organization that was now being taken away. I didn't say any of this though because something inside me was happening. It was strange, I think I went through all the emotions of dealing with the immediate issue of being released in about 3 minutes. Even before the HR speech was finished. I simply said, "well it's been nice working with you", and got up and left. My office was packed for me and sent to the house. That was it. My entire professional life building this muti-national retailer, gone. Over the next couple of days I learned that indeed it was not personal, it had cut through the executive ranks like a knife. Not only the President and myself, but the COO, several other Senior Vice Presidents, and many lower employees were already a part of this season's culling. Happy holidays! It is March now and inside the organization the culling season is still not over. My replacement, a good friend and very capable individual, is dealing with this annual belt tightening now. It is the deepest ever. But as always, the corporation will go on. The structure is already almost unrecognizable from what it had been last fall but hey, that's progress, right? Time will tell. The stock is at a a near all time low, hm..hm.
So that is it, that was the "event". It really did change my life. I don't want to dwell on the tragedy of loss because frankly on my part there was none. It is all a matter of perspective. I know a lot of people go through some difficult time when something like this happens but for me, after the initial jolt, it was like waking up out of a long drugged coma.
Life: The state of "success".
Before I get to the event that changed everything, it is prudent that the state of my life before the event is understood. Success is an interesting and often nebulous term that is interpreted in so many ways. I am 40 years old. I was one of a lucky few who, coming out of college, got a job with a fast growing company and was able to make the most of it. I stayed with this company for over 16 years and progressed from a Management Trainee to become a Senior Vice President reporting to the President of the worldwide organization. This is a position held by only a handful individuals in the company of more than 200,000 employees. I fully intended to retire in this company as a one career one company loyalist. Not many of those around these days. Indeed in our organization there were only two people that had been there as long as I. Don't get me wrong, it was not tenure that brought position elevation. This is a truly pay for performance company. Tenure was really a result of performance and fit. Fit, is for me a measure of success. This company fit. When I joined the organization there were only about 150 retail locations, mostly in the southeast, Texas and California. During the growth phases, my wife and I moved a great deal in opening and operating new areas. At the time I finally gave in and accepted a position at the worldwide headquarters we had moved 23 times with the company. Many said that was worse than the military but I always said I had never been forced to move and really it was the acceptance of opportunity and the desire to see and experience new areas that kept us moving. When I arrived at headquarters and assumed the role of SVP of Worldwide Development, we had almost 8000 locations in over 23 countries. I was 35 at the time. I loved my job, at 40 I had a wonderful and beautiful wife of 20 years, two children (a boy and a girl) who are pure blessings, a great house (with 5 garages which were all full), several collector cars including the one I always wanted a (71 Jaguar XKE V-12 in excellent condition), several other exotic cars, money in the bank, a salary that was, well let's just say I didn't have to worry about the bills which, in the lifestyle we had grown accustom to, were considerable. My position took me all over the world for business and pleasure. And I was happy. Genuinely happy. So, by most measures I had reached "success", right? Many thought so, heck I, myself, thought so.
Then I went to work one day and wow, it was a life changing event. For the better!
Life restarted
Really, it was a day like any other. I woke up at 5, did all the normal necessary daily preparation: worked out, ate, showered, checked my schedule, nudged my wife and kids to kiss them and say good by as I went to my office. Nothing unusual, but wow what a day that turned out to be. I learned a lot about life, myself, and the organization that I had spent my entire professional life building.
But before I get into all that, some background and emphasis on why I am starting this blog. At 40, I may not be the typical retired executive. I do, however regard myself as an average Joe. There is nothing particularity unique about me. I grew up in a conservative family. My father worked as a civilian for the government. My mom worked small jobs and was primarily a homemaker for our family. My two brothers, three sisters and I have all the normal, modestly disfunctional life stories like everyone else. They all live within an hour of where we were born and raised. I was the youngest of the six surviving children and as such may have had a slightly different outlook on life. I will admit, I had the advantage of seeing the effect of the decisions of my siblings on their lives. But this, nor my typical state system educational experience could be credited for the achievement of corporate stature that I was fortunate to have been granted before life took a refreshing twist. I account most of my success to my parents, mentors, and willingness to accept opportunity. At 35, I had reached what most in the corporate world would regard as success.
As a senior officer in a multi billion dollar public entity. I had a very comfortable life by all standards. A great salary, a nice home, a nice family, the opportunity to travel the world extensively, the freedom to make decisions that broadly effected the organization.
Suddenly, everything changed. Not necessarily for the worse, but it all changed. I hope that this blog might prove interesting reading if nothing else, but maybe there will be some gems along the way for others to consider in making life and career decisions. I certainly possess no definitive answers but I have gained some "interesting" perspective.
I'll be tweaking the blog and look forward to your discussion. Life in reality, is just beginning. I can't believe all that I was missing!
